unhappy weight

I am so unhappy with my body and stuggling to find a way to MAKE myself do something about it.  This is my attempt to write it down and see if that helps me.
I have been able to kick a diet pop addiciton that I saw coming a mile away.  It just sort of slipped out of craving and now when I have a pop I really don't enjoy the taste.  However, is that going to transform my body? is that going to get me off my fat ass?
Doubt it.
I had lost 50lbs.  I'm not sure at what exact point I stopped caring but part of it became the competition my mother placed on our weight loss. She became obsessive and I became a quitter!
On top of that I spent one summer in what I call my "psycotic summer" or sometimes just the summer I went crazy.  Dealing with all the emotional trauma I was causing for myself left little room for me to care about my food intake or my exercise output.  It was pretty amazing how it came crashing down.  I'm sure I gained over that time...
Then comes the start of working Ren fests with a friend.  I knew I couldn't track my food over the weekends, it would have just been too difficult to be that person.  But I didn't realize I would also break my ankle, then sprain a wrist...then the other...throughout the course of that summer!
So one crazy summer, and one broken summer....and guess what....I'm back to where I started!
I seem to have gained all my weight in my BOOBS of all places.  Some people might welcome the growing bust but it's driving me insane...my shirts don't fit right and I feel like everywhere I go that's all anyone sees is BOOB.
ugh.
This week was the first week without pop, I've tried watching what I eat but I seem to fall into a crack at least once a day where there is some candy or some bread calling my name!
Every day I start over with trying...but everyday I fail miserably!
I want the vision of myself inside my brain to be matched by what people see on the outside.  In my head I'm fit and together and not overweight...but what people see isn't what I see...
I want to be strong again, I want to be fit again...I want to be thinner again.
I want it, I know how to get it, it's just not an easy road!  I know that I'm starting to hide behind sweatshirts and saying I'd just rather stay home....I've even found myself sitting on someone's couch and hiding behind a pillow or sitting behind a counter so no one can see what I've become.
This is not ok.
I have to fight back!  I can't be defeated by this...it will only get worse if I don't do something now...I mean at what point will it be any easier than now to start fighting back?
I'm not a quitter...but I"m also not a follower.

I have to do this on my own....I have to be sick of this taking over me!