the thing you were always supposed to be doing

Ever have that moment where you sit back and you soak in whatever moment it is that you are experiencing and you go "yeah this is where I belong" or even "yeah these are the people I've always needed"?  I've had several of those in at least the past year!  I have found myself surrounded by some amazing groups of friends, in an amazing  job that I would have never known was perfect for me, and with an amazing family that again...would have never guessed that they would all be just exactly what I needed.
I have struggles with all the things I've named but I have several moments where I will smile at the friend I am with and just think to myself "I've needed you all along"  I'm truly blessed to find myself in these places, and surrounded by these people.  At first I found myself with a sense of fear that this would end but as these relationships grew deeper and I was able to trust and be trusted...I found something amazing....LOVE.  Real love, not the word you throw around, but real, true, honest, and good.  If ever I have a day where I just feel worthless...may I remember this feeling that surrounds me!
I hope whoever is reading this can relate to this feeling...and if you can't...start looking at what surrounds you, maybe it's time for a change of scenery so you can find you AH-HA moment of sorts.   I truly recommend it.

It's a relationship not a religion...

Very recently I have had to examine my belief system.  I still have many questions and doubts but one thing I've never stumbled on is that I love Jesus, I love God, and I know that I've had life changes because of them being present in my life.  What I do stumble on more is the so called Christians that follow.
I attend church very recently, and if you get yourself involved in any church for more than 2 seconds you will quickly realize that God's people are not perfect.  It even says it in the bible, I mean read some of the letters Paul wrote to the churches to clear up stupid misunderstandings, you won't find him addressing who's responsible for coffee, however.
More recently, even as I've felt myself not wanting to be labeled "Christian" because to me that word signifies a whole list of judge mental, holier-than-thou, and just plain ugly thoughts in my head, I was contacted by a fellow Christian "in love" to correct what he thought was a mistake on my part.
Now this man is someone I do admire, and normally I would take his message into account.  However when you start your "in love" message to another adult with "when are you going to grow up?" then I've suddenly discounted anything you have to say.  Especially when your same sentence that says IN LOVE has an insult included.
I'm not exactly sure when the last time this person and myself had a conversation about my life.  I know I haven't seen him for about 8 months.  I'm not sure how much of my life you can be very clear on when we haven't spoken, caught up, or even passed each other on the street for that matter.  I'm not sure how well you can know my relationship with God without you asking me first "hey how are things going for you?"
So basically, to get to the gist of this entire message....isn't the phrase "It's not a religion, it's a relationship" that people throw around indicative of a PERSONAL relationship?  Do I not love God?  Do I not already believe enough?  Do I really have to walk like you, talk like you, dress like you, and act like you for there to be evidence of God's presence in my life?
I would think my personal relationship with God is different than yours, I would also think without you knowing much about me, you can't judge my walk with Him.
Thank you concerned stranger who once might have known something about me, but I'm not sure how much of your concern is actually "in love" and how much of it is actually "in judgement and assumption".

When it rains...it pours

You know those days?  The days that everything seems to go wrong.  I mean I really should be more annoyed at my life today but really I'm just feeling down.

First.  My husband is sick, he has pink eye and some kind of sore throat that gives him this amazing sexy voice.  And of course, he is at work.  He has so much to get done that he can't stand to take a day to be sick!

Second.  The school called and they lost my child.  Ok, well they didn't really LOSE the child, but they marked her as absent and wanted to know if she was home sick today.  NO she isn't and she's only 6 years old, not old enough OR smart enough to skip school!  So in full panic while the nurse put me on hold to double check to see if my child was indeed at school.  Thank goodness because it's -25 outside and I can't imagine where she would have gone to!

Then...not even an hour later...just as I got started on my daily chores.  The school calls AGAIN and this time it's my other child who is in the office with a busted lip and well, they aren't certain but it may need stitches.
So, of course, this means URGENT CARE, and in our area a trip to urgent care could cost you an entire day in your life, not to mention if you didn't have strep throat BEFORE setting foot in the clinic...well congratulations, you do now, and an ear infection to boot.
Well luckily it was a slow day at urgent care, or should I call it the "I have an ear infection/sore throat/can't wait to see my doctor/or I cut my finger off" clinic...
we got in right away.

The doctor we saw first just happens to be a family friend, she wasn't sure if we needed stitches, but she thought maybe.
She called a plastic surgeon...he wasn't available but he suggested maybe it should be stitched by an ENT or ORAL surgeon.
ENT saw us and said "no I'm not gonna stitch it"
ok..it's only her face.  sure let's mess around until she has a gaping gross scar on her face for the rest of her life...good plan!  And oh yeah, thanks for the confidence!

Back to school she goes.
Then at home, I get the call.  The call from the vet that my cat's ashes are in.  I've already cried for this cat today and NOW I have to face bringing him home and opening up that wound.
Maybe I should visit urgent care and see if they should stitch that together.

You might read this and go...wow it isn't really that bad.  Then, I have a friend who isn't talking to me...and I'm not sure what's up with that....
wow....can it get any worse?

Attractive

The thought occurred to me recently that people generally have a "type"
I don't know if I do.  Well I guess for the most part I would like to think I'm attracted to tattoos, piercings, and a dark attitude.
Not necessarily jerks, but DARK.
I know I'm different in the fact that I find both women AND men attractive.  So dang, if you are reading this, I guess I just told you something you may not have known about me before.  Deal and move on. (also, see title of this blog...CRAZY woman)

Anyhow, it occurred to me recently as I was posting some pictures of people I find attractive that I don't really have a type...physically...but more attracted to the character or "fun" level of a person.  Well now the celebrities I find attractive seem to have the same characteristics but the people I love in reality really don't.

So what's up with that?

CELEBRITIES
so the celebrities I find attractive are:

Amy Lee (Evanescence)

Johnathan Rhys-Meyers (Tudors)

Alyssa White-Gluz (The Antagonist)

Matt Saders (Avenged Sevenfold)

Andy Whitfield (Spartacus Blood and Sand)

Eliza Dushku (Buffy the Vampire Slayer/ Dollhouse)

Erin Kelly (Loving Annabelle)

John Cooper (Skillet)

You would think I'd be married to a bad ass.  However, in reality I'm married to a network engineer who doesn't have one tattoo or one streak of bad assery in his body, no black hair, and he doesn't even play a guitar.  He does love me, however.

Strange how life works out!

I'd really like to post pictures of real people I find attractive, but I guess I don't know how they would feel about that so I refrain for now...but I can say, they are all very different...I'll just look over my list of pretty celebrities...

Goodbye sweet Chippie

Monday morning, I made the hardest decision in my life...I put my cat down.
He was struggling for breath at the end of a battle with an autoimmune disease, I couldn't let him continue to fight so hard.
He was so strong until this disease robbed him of his spunkiness!
I don't even know if that's a damn word, nor do I care.
I didn't know it would be this hard, to loose a cat.  I miss him at every turn.  Getting out of bed is the hardest because that was our secret moment, a moment I always wished someone could record in some archive for me even before he was gone.  It's almost like that moment spent with a newborn baby in the middle of the night.  It was our secret moments where he would greet me, we would love on each other and then go downstairs together.  If he weren't on my shoulders, he would be running alongside me at my feet to wherever my destination was.  He was always hopeful it was the couch where we could continue our love fest a little longer before starting my day.
I love you baby kitty.

my baby chip

My cat is sick.

This is the cat that usually greets strangers, is in the middle of every activity, and we have to keep doors shut to keep him out....he's hiding in the basement.  He's all sunken in looking, and I'm pretty sure he hasn't eaten decently in a few days.

To the vet with him.

What makes me really nervous is the last time a cat got sick around here and we took them to the vet, she was dead a few hours later.  Well technically they put her down, she had cancer in her jaw that was fusing her jaw together but she was so sweet that she never fussed about it.  I'm not sure I will recover from this as easily.

I'm pretty scared to be honest.  I'm almost always blown away by how much we love our pets.  I love this guy.
Chip usually greets me when I wake up in the morning, to the extent of following me into the bathroom for love.  I tend to come down the steps almost every morning with him on my shoulders "making biscuits" with his paws.  If I sit on the couch, so does he.  If I put up the Christmas tree, so does he.

Yesterday I made a blanket on the table.  Usually this would be where Chip would plant himself and make every second of blanket making comical AND difficult...but I was able to get through 6 hours of creating without one moment spent shooing a cat from my workspace.  Now normally someone would think "good, stupid cat didn't bother me" but I know better...it's more like " my cat didn't drive me insane, there must be something wrong"

The thing that makes this the most difficult is...who is really going to care about my cat..I mean I could sound crazy...like crazy cat lady.
Oh wait...I have the perfect friend to call!

Ren Fest suckage

So far, I'm so done with fest.
But I'm so in love with fest.
It's a love hate relationship.
This was my first year working festivals.  WE did amazing, we had some amazing times and met some totally totally amazing friends.
I feel like it's all ending so soon....
Chippewa said no, Minnesota is playing games....and I just want to PLAY
My partner cares about getting paid, and yes it would be fantastic to get paid to play...but I just want to play.  I don't know if I'm brave enough to venture out on a character alone.  I'm not sure if I would enjoy being alone and playing with patrons near as much as I do with a friend by my side, but what can I do?

Either we go unpaid...or our team dies....It's DO or DIE, quite literally.

Maybe we are being too ambitious.  Maybe street isn't that important and they DON'T get paid.  Maybe we sucked.  Maybe we aren't the friends with the "right" crowd.

....maybe I should work county fairs instead :p