My blog started out as a place I could feel I could be myself, but really, most people around me allow me to be myself anyhow. I have a head full of thoughts and ideas, this is just one way to use that part of my brain in a more productive way!
The thought occurred to me recently that people generally have a "type"
I don't know if I do. Well I guess for the most part I would like to think I'm attracted to tattoos, piercings, and a dark attitude.
Not necessarily jerks, but DARK.
I know I'm different in the fact that I find both women AND men attractive. So dang, if you are reading this, I guess I just told you something you may not have known about me before. Deal and move on. (also, see title of this blog...CRAZY woman)
Anyhow, it occurred to me recently as I was posting some pictures of people I find attractive that I don't really have a type...physically...but more attracted to the character or "fun" level of a person. Well now the celebrities I find attractive seem to have the same characteristics but the people I love in reality really don't.
So what's up with that?
CELEBRITIES
so the celebrities I find attractive are:
Amy Lee (Evanescence)
Johnathan Rhys-Meyers (Tudors)
Alyssa White-Gluz (The Antagonist)
Matt Saders (Avenged Sevenfold)
Andy Whitfield (Spartacus Blood and Sand)
Eliza Dushku (Buffy the Vampire Slayer/ Dollhouse)
Erin Kelly (Loving Annabelle)
John Cooper (Skillet)
You would think I'd be married to a bad ass. However, in reality I'm married to a network engineer who doesn't have one tattoo or one streak of bad assery in his body, no black hair, and he doesn't even play a guitar. He does love me, however.
Strange how life works out!
I'd really like to post pictures of real people I find attractive, but I guess I don't know how they would feel about that so I refrain for now...but I can say, they are all very different...I'll just look over my list of pretty celebrities...
Monday morning, I made the hardest decision in my life...I put my cat down.
He was struggling for breath at the end of a battle with an autoimmune disease, I couldn't let him continue to fight so hard.
He was so strong until this disease robbed him of his spunkiness!
I don't even know if that's a damn word, nor do I care.
I didn't know it would be this hard, to loose a cat. I miss him at every turn. Getting out of bed is the hardest because that was our secret moment, a moment I always wished someone could record in some archive for me even before he was gone. It's almost like that moment spent with a newborn baby in the middle of the night. It was our secret moments where he would greet me, we would love on each other and then go downstairs together. If he weren't on my shoulders, he would be running alongside me at my feet to wherever my destination was. He was always hopeful it was the couch where we could continue our love fest a little longer before starting my day.
I love you baby kitty.
This is the cat that usually greets strangers, is in the middle of every activity, and we have to keep doors shut to keep him out....he's hiding in the basement. He's all sunken in looking, and I'm pretty sure he hasn't eaten decently in a few days.
To the vet with him.
What makes me really nervous is the last time a cat got sick around here and we took them to the vet, she was dead a few hours later. Well technically they put her down, she had cancer in her jaw that was fusing her jaw together but she was so sweet that she never fussed about it. I'm not sure I will recover from this as easily.
I'm pretty scared to be honest. I'm almost always blown away by how much we love our pets. I love this guy.
Chip usually greets me when I wake up in the morning, to the extent of following me into the bathroom for love. I tend to come down the steps almost every morning with him on my shoulders "making biscuits" with his paws. If I sit on the couch, so does he. If I put up the Christmas tree, so does he.
Yesterday I made a blanket on the table. Usually this would be where Chip would plant himself and make every second of blanket making comical AND difficult...but I was able to get through 6 hours of creating without one moment spent shooing a cat from my workspace. Now normally someone would think "good, stupid cat didn't bother me" but I know better...it's more like " my cat didn't drive me insane, there must be something wrong"
The thing that makes this the most difficult is...who is really going to care about my cat..I mean I could sound crazy...like crazy cat lady.
Oh wait...I have the perfect friend to call!
So far, I'm so done with fest.
But I'm so in love with fest.
It's a love hate relationship.
This was my first year working festivals. WE did amazing, we had some amazing times and met some totally totally amazing friends.
I feel like it's all ending so soon....
Chippewa said no, Minnesota is playing games....and I just want to PLAY
My partner cares about getting paid, and yes it would be fantastic to get paid to play...but I just want to play. I don't know if I'm brave enough to venture out on a character alone. I'm not sure if I would enjoy being alone and playing with patrons near as much as I do with a friend by my side, but what can I do?
Either we go unpaid...or our team dies....It's DO or DIE, quite literally.
Maybe we are being too ambitious. Maybe street isn't that important and they DON'T get paid. Maybe we sucked. Maybe we aren't the friends with the "right" crowd.
I am so unhappy with my body and stuggling to find a way to MAKE myself do something about it. This is my attempt to write it down and see if that helps me.
I have been able to kick a diet pop addiciton that I saw coming a mile away. It just sort of slipped out of craving and now when I have a pop I really don't enjoy the taste. However, is that going to transform my body? is that going to get me off my fat ass?
Doubt it.
I had lost 50lbs. I'm not sure at what exact point I stopped caring but part of it became the competition my mother placed on our weight loss. She became obsessive and I became a quitter!
On top of that I spent one summer in what I call my "psycotic summer" or sometimes just the summer I went crazy. Dealing with all the emotional trauma I was causing for myself left little room for me to care about my food intake or my exercise output. It was pretty amazing how it came crashing down. I'm sure I gained over that time...
Then comes the start of working Ren fests with a friend. I knew I couldn't track my food over the weekends, it would have just been too difficult to be that person. But I didn't realize I would also break my ankle, then sprain a wrist...then the other...throughout the course of that summer!
So one crazy summer, and one broken summer....and guess what....I'm back to where I started!
I seem to have gained all my weight in my BOOBS of all places. Some people might welcome the growing bust but it's driving me insane...my shirts don't fit right and I feel like everywhere I go that's all anyone sees is BOOB.
ugh.
This week was the first week without pop, I've tried watching what I eat but I seem to fall into a crack at least once a day where there is some candy or some bread calling my name!
Every day I start over with trying...but everyday I fail miserably!
I want the vision of myself inside my brain to be matched by what people see on the outside. In my head I'm fit and together and not overweight...but what people see isn't what I see...
I want to be strong again, I want to be fit again...I want to be thinner again.
I want it, I know how to get it, it's just not an easy road! I know that I'm starting to hide behind sweatshirts and saying I'd just rather stay home....I've even found myself sitting on someone's couch and hiding behind a pillow or sitting behind a counter so no one can see what I've become.
This is not ok.
I have to fight back! I can't be defeated by this...it will only get worse if I don't do something now...I mean at what point will it be any easier than now to start fighting back?
I'm not a quitter...but I"m also not a follower.
I have to do this on my own....I have to be sick of this taking over me!
I'm awake again tonight with more vivid and crazy dreams. This time so disturbing I don't even want to rewrite such nonsense!
I did, however, decide to check out blogger where I discovered I can tighten security on my family blog and that the last post I made here was yet another dream!
Some days I don't realize what a blessing it is to wake up with no memory of what dreams occurred throughout the evening hours!
I'd like to write more, it's just all a matter of taking time. Perhaps I have a place to write about the dreams that I can stomach reliving over again!
i'm with my friend Bryn. Her house is looking more like a school building with a manufacturing place attached than it does in real life...but I'm with her and her family here in this building.
Her sister is visiting (not any of the ones I met and I can't tell you what this sister's name should be..but it was her sister, I knew that much) and she has a few kids, a little girl and a little boy.
Paige, my middle, had taken up very closely very quickly with these kids. I had noticed some disturbing features that made me think perhaps I didn't want her around them too much, but ahh I'm selfish and allowed it to continue because it would affect my ability to be with MY friend if I were to need to put some distance between the kids (how selfish but yes I'd probably do this in real life)
I ended up at one point having a conversation with the little girl where she showed some definite disturbing qualities. She was talking about "luring" people into the woods if she were mad at them to beat them up and I can't remember the other phrases she used that I was like "OK total red flag here"
So .....and no this is something I would NOT have done in real life....I march her into the factory type area where everyone is working (stupid dreams getting things all goofy) and I announce loudly that "this is the most disturbing child I've ever met, she's manipulative, and just plain evil"
with the child next to me.
ugh the horror of an adult doing that...but in the dream I'm totally freaked out.
No one looks up from their work, no one cares. She smiles like ..see..I get away with it.
The dream cuts away to where we are going somewhere and I've fallen asleep in the car. I'm laying on the floor of a van....which is strange but then there is a hand touching me....
now my first instinct is to pull away surprised but i let it continue to see if this person is truly bold enough to continue. And it did....I was shocked as the hand found itself...well in my underwear.
I jumped up and yelled something...
it was the little girl's grandpa...and all at once I knew...he'd been doing this to her too
instead of yelling at him though, I kiss him.....odd
Back at Bryn's I come in to see that Mikayla ...my youngest...and Paige..my middle have gone to take a nap with the sister's kids.
I feel bad for what I know about the kids and wonder if the mom knows yet.
Bryn is upset and I want to know what's wrong....but she's sent everyone but me and this sister away.
She's writing two letters. One is to Janel and is quoting a bunch of Psalms. She's angry but I know she isn't angry at Janel..or me...for that matter.
I sit to write some letters too. I'm not angry and not sure why I decide 'oh yeah let's have a letter writing session' but I do. I know I'm going to write two letters. One is to Nicki but I'm not sure who the other is to and I'm not sure of the content of the letter, I can only remember looking down and seeing that I'd written Nicki's address in the middle of the letter...odd again
Bryn...still mad...gives the letters she's written to her sister and commands..yes commands...her to go mail them. the sister kind of laughs at the command but Bryn has stormed away. I watch Bryn walking away wondering what is going on when I hear Paige crying...
Now when paige cries, the whole world knows...
I run into the room to see her tear streaked face all red from the force of the scream...and the little boy in the middle of the room holding his groin and crying.
I knew...
I asked Paige what happened but she just keeps her eye on this boy..she's mad now and everything about her body language says "come near me again and I'll kick you again"
but I knew...
I hold her face in my hands and try not to cry as I say "baby girl, what happened?"
but I know...
the little boy still cries...the force of the kick my girl gave him not only surprised him but may have injured something.
I know the next part of the dream is going to be me leaving but I'm not sure how much is me thinking about what I would have done or what I actually dreamed.
I do know, the boy tried to hurt my little girl....and she wouldn't stand for it...however my heart was broken that I let her be exposed to such a thing.
I won't even go into my confusion over me kissing the grandpa instead of kneeing him in the groin himself.
